Archives for posts with tag: gay

Facebook is convinced I’m gay.  It’s true.  The targeted ads they have sent me flatter my fashion sense, try to set me up with other men, and on one occasion have attempted to enlist me in a study of gay Jews with AIDS.  The point here is 1) Facebook is terrible at directing ads at me, and 2) though I am a straight man, I am fervently in support of gay rights, just as I am fervently in support of women’s rights and bald people’s rights and left-handed people’s rights and North Dakotan’s rights and just all people’s right in general.  In fact, the only people whose rights I don’t particularly support are Pepsi enthusiast’s rights, because I’m not sure they’re really people at all.   But that’s a story for another time.

So naturally, all this hulabaloo about gay rights lately has gotten me pretty riled up.  I fire a Nerf gun at the TV every time someone comes on to complain that gays are going to topple their loving family, and I invented a drinking game where I take a shot every time someone uses the words “traditional marriage” that left me so inebriated one night that I nearly ended up in a traditional marriage of my own with a total stranger.  But the thing is, I’ve heard all of their arguments before.  People claiming that gays are against the founding principles of marriage, people claiming that gays are unfit to raise children, people claiming that God hates gays and is only making them out of some sort of confused divine boredom, etc.  But as these theories have all been rebutted and debunked, opponents of gay marriage have had to go to some really weird places for their defense.

I recently saw a New York Times article that quoted several of the Supreme Court justices as asking if it was the “right time for a decision on a fast-moving social issue.”  I have grown used to the more common arguments against gay marriage, but this one is brand new and confusing to me.  What exactly would constitute a “right time” to talk about this issue?  Would there need to be some sort of pressing issue that would require a more immediate decision on this issue without waiting for the infamously lethargic American public to make a louder demand?

If there were two massive gay mansteroids (a word here meaning “asteroids that are also gay men”) flying towards Earth and only by allowing them to get married could we prevent Armageddon, would that be reason enough for the justices to render a decision?

gay mansteroid

“They’re headed straight for Washington, Mr. President! Think of all the traditional marriages they’ll destroy if we allow them to make impact!”

If the Ring of Power came back from the depths of Mt. Doom, was recovered by Lesbian Frodo, and the only way to end the ensuing war was to send her on an epic journey to find her lady lover Sam and allow her to “put a ring on it,” then would the timing be more convenient? I don’t know.  What I do know is this: if the timing right now, when literally all I hear anyone talking about on the news is this Supreme Court case and all I see as I scroll down my Facebook feed is people posting red equal signs in support of equal rights, if this timing isn’t good enough, then I don’t know what the right time will be.  So we’d better finish this discussion now, because I’ve already seen enough homosexual tension between Frodo and Sam to last me a lifetime.


For some inexplicable reason, there is a trend on TV now, where there’s a terrible, boring show about people taking old bookcases to pawn shops, but then in an effort to spice up the show, they give it a ridiculous porn pun for a name.  The two most obvious would be Pawn Stars and Hardcore Pawn.

Now, I’m never one to miss a trend.  I’m still recovering from the removal of my mustache finger tattoo, and I have to replace my entire wardrobe about 3 times a month according to what the ladies on The View deem “the new pink.”  So naturally, I’ve come up with a few new pawn show ideas with great porn puns for titles.  TV executives, I await your money.

1. Barely Legal Pawn

Brokers try to move material of questionable legality.  The season finale features a dubious Russian trying to get rid of 3 pounds of depleted uranium.

2. Vintage Pawn

Two obnoxious, flamboyant hipsters try to sell off their collections of ironic 60’s desk lamps and Hall & Oates LPs.

3. MILF Pawn

This one’s really pretty self-explanatory.  It’s really just a regular pawn show, except the host is a ridiculously hot mom hosting.  Preferably your mom. WINK

4.Granny Pawn

An elderly hoarder is finally convinced to sell off her vast collection of pop can tabs and LIFE magazines.  This one plays off the “hoarder show” fad as well, so it may very well make me the most trendy person on TV. Except I’m not on TV yet…

5. Anal Pawn

A very anal retentive man struggles for 30 minutes a week to decide which of his immaculately cleaned possessions are worthy of being pawned off.

6. Midget Pawn

A prolific pawning duo of dwarfs tries to sell stuff. They are also short.  This one is, admittedly, the least thought out of the bunch…

7. Gay Pawn

A breakthrough, progressive show where a gay couple pawns off stuff that’s totally not gay at all.  Like rifles. And signed footballs. It’ll be like the Glee of pawn shows.

8. Softcore Pawn

Pretty much the same show as Hardcore Pawn, except less interesting and they never show the whole item.

I had a few other ideas, but they were all disgusting and it seemed really unlikely that any TV execs would wanna make Pterodactyl Pawn.