Archives for posts with tag: stupid

Award Season Fever has gripped me; I can’t sleep at night as I lay awake tossing and turning and contemplating Best Cinematography nominations, and the entire left side of my body routinely goes numb.  Though my doctor assures me that the numbness thing cannot possibly be caused by Award Season Fever, I know my body.  This is an exciting time of the year, and I wanted to get in on some of this sweet, validating action.  However, seeing as I belong to zero governing bodies in the arts, I’m gonna have to get a little creative about my own personal awards.  Without further ado, I present the winners of the 2014 Wylies!

1. Most Pretentious Thing Ever Filmed

Narrowly edging out the plastic bag scene from American Beauty, which won this category for the last 14 years straight, I give you the new iPad Air commercial, “Your Verse,” which suggests that by using an iPad, you will be making significant contributions to the advance of human civilization.  Give it a watch if you need a reason to be angry for a few minutes

2. Best Tweet of they Year

I gotta tell ya, it’s been a great year for the ol’ Twitter machine, and this was a tough category to choose a winner from, but I’ve gotta hand it to this one because, in addition to being hilarious, the construction is just flawless

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Honorable Mentions:

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3. Favorite Site to Hate With A Burning Passion

This category means a lot to me.  For one, a large part of my personal identity is devoted to looking down on people who post from the various sites I put in this category.  Previous winners have been Buzzfeed and Pinterest, but I’ve grown tired of hating them and my wrath needs a new outlet.  So now, I give you my winner for Favorite Site to Hate in 2014: Upworthy.com! Upworthy may have had a time several months ago, when they would share just a few really big stories with a unique, positivist spin on them, but recently they’ve succumbed to the demon hellbeast of overly-viral marketing, and I’ve found my newsfeed littered with embedded videos about “This Kid Will Literally Change The Way You Think About Fast Food In 90 Seconds” and “This Totally Amazing Cat Knows A Mind-Blowing Truth That Needs To Be Shared.”  The site has become the bastard child of a cute Youtube video and a particularly uplifting episode of Oprah.  And for that, I hate it.

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Really pandering to their target audience with this one…

4. Movie With The Best Built In Porn Title

Inside Llewyn Davis.  No contest here.

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5. Funniest Youtube Video (Intentional)

While I was initially considering handing out this award to my very favorite Youtube comedy duo BriTaNick, I decided that they hadn’t really released anything that was worthy this past year.  So instead, I’m gonna have to give it to my favorite Norwegians of accidental international fame, Ylvis, for their video “Massachusetts.”  And not just because I live there now either.

6. Funniest Youtube Video (Unintentional)

The real hard part in choosing this winner was that I had to be sure that the humor was completely unintentional.  But then I saw this video and I knew I had a winner.  Kanye West’s Bound 2 is easily the worst song I’ve heard in a long time, and has a long laundry list of musical reasons why it’s awful.  But the song itself isn’t the hilarious thing about it.  It’s the fact that self-proclaimed creative genius Kanye decided that the best visual accompaniment to this train wreck of a song was to force us to watch him dry hump his wife on a stationary motorcycle in front of an iMovie greenscreen effect.  He also speaks the words “I wanna fuck you hard in the sink” and rhymes “bad reputation” with “Brad reputation” and if I haven’t convinced you how hilarious this video is yet I’m clearly never going to.

7. Best Jennifer Lawrence

Jennifer Lawrence.  For the third year running, J-Law is the winner of this category. Now please return my phone calls!

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Facebook is convinced I’m gay.  It’s true.  The targeted ads they have sent me flatter my fashion sense, try to set me up with other men, and on one occasion have attempted to enlist me in a study of gay Jews with AIDS.  The point here is 1) Facebook is terrible at directing ads at me, and 2) though I am a straight man, I am fervently in support of gay rights, just as I am fervently in support of women’s rights and bald people’s rights and left-handed people’s rights and North Dakotan’s rights and just all people’s right in general.  In fact, the only people whose rights I don’t particularly support are Pepsi enthusiast’s rights, because I’m not sure they’re really people at all.   But that’s a story for another time.

So naturally, all this hulabaloo about gay rights lately has gotten me pretty riled up.  I fire a Nerf gun at the TV every time someone comes on to complain that gays are going to topple their loving family, and I invented a drinking game where I take a shot every time someone uses the words “traditional marriage” that left me so inebriated one night that I nearly ended up in a traditional marriage of my own with a total stranger.  But the thing is, I’ve heard all of their arguments before.  People claiming that gays are against the founding principles of marriage, people claiming that gays are unfit to raise children, people claiming that God hates gays and is only making them out of some sort of confused divine boredom, etc.  But as these theories have all been rebutted and debunked, opponents of gay marriage have had to go to some really weird places for their defense.

I recently saw a New York Times article that quoted several of the Supreme Court justices as asking if it was the “right time for a decision on a fast-moving social issue.”  I have grown used to the more common arguments against gay marriage, but this one is brand new and confusing to me.  What exactly would constitute a “right time” to talk about this issue?  Would there need to be some sort of pressing issue that would require a more immediate decision on this issue without waiting for the infamously lethargic American public to make a louder demand?

If there were two massive gay mansteroids (a word here meaning “asteroids that are also gay men”) flying towards Earth and only by allowing them to get married could we prevent Armageddon, would that be reason enough for the justices to render a decision?

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“They’re headed straight for Washington, Mr. President! Think of all the traditional marriages they’ll destroy if we allow them to make impact!”

If the Ring of Power came back from the depths of Mt. Doom, was recovered by Lesbian Frodo, and the only way to end the ensuing war was to send her on an epic journey to find her lady lover Sam and allow her to “put a ring on it,” then would the timing be more convenient? I don’t know.  What I do know is this: if the timing right now, when literally all I hear anyone talking about on the news is this Supreme Court case and all I see as I scroll down my Facebook feed is people posting red equal signs in support of equal rights, if this timing isn’t good enough, then I don’t know what the right time will be.  So we’d better finish this discussion now, because I’ve already seen enough homosexual tension between Frodo and Sam to last me a lifetime.