Archives for the month of: August, 2012

I think it’s clear to everyone that this is a very hotly debated election season coming up.  Even if you do your best to steer clear of the divisive assholery that has become the American political machine, surely you’ve seen a segment on the news on campaign finance, or had a commercial try to convince you that Mitt Romney eats Mexicans for breakfast or maybe a homeless man on the bus told you that you look a lot like one of them sexy Obama girls.  The point is, this is indisputably a big time for American politics and a lot of sides are being taken.  People are breaking into arguments left and right about healthcare, immigration, chicken sandwiches, etc. Even a simple change in lightbulb regulation quickly becomes a storm of partisan fury.  However, there is one issue that I feel we can form a united front against and tackle as a nation united.  This issue I’m referring to is, of course, Indiana.

If you’re not aware, Indiana is a state in the American midwest, and it aligns just so with Lake Michigan that it literally looks like its sitting in the gross stench of an armpit if you flip the map upside-down.

Image

It looks like it shaves, too. More reasons it sucks.

Indiana has the highest level of ueslessness per capita of any region in the world.  There is a small bubble of interestium (the element that creates interest, to be featured in an upcoming James Cameron film) that encompasses Peyton Manning at all times, but other than that there isn’t one cool thing in the entire state.  Even its boring next-door neighbor Ohio is at least notable for having Fangboner Road, the most hilariously named piece of real-estate in the contiguous 48.  Indiana just has nothing.  In fact, lets break down all the nothing Indiana has going for it:

Indiana can basically be broken down into 2 distinct regions.  Cornfields, and Gary.  The cornfields cover about 99% of the state.  Pretty much everything there is in a cornfield.  If you ever drive through the cornfield region of Indiana, you will become convinced after about 4 hours that it will never end.  It will seem as if you are travelling on a cosmic record player and you hit a skip and you are now destined to just live in the corn forever.  But don’t just take my word for it, let’s observe some of the fine scenery that the cornfields have to offer!

The hallowed halls of Notre Dame University

Downtown in Indiana’s capital city, Indianapolis

The 50-yard line at Lucas Oil Stadium. Go Colts!

As you can see, there’s not a whole lot of diversity in the cornfield region.  But before we forget, there is one other important region in Indiana: The Gary Region!

Gary, Indiana is the city that sits directly in the armpit of Indiana, and generates an appropriate amount of stank considering its location.  Due to it’s proximity to the Illinois border, its the first view most Illinoisans have of Indiana after driving down from Chicago.  It’s also the reason most Chicagoans hate driving to Indiana.

Gary’s City Hall during business hours

Gary was once a thriving city, full of steel mills, coal plants, and one restaurant that the steel mill and coal plant workers could go to in between shifts. Then the steel industry tanked and everyone left the city.  Gary was a has-been city before Detroit made it cool.  Gone are the days when you could see the smog of American Industry from across Lake Michigan; Gary now barely produces enough smog to reach its own city limits and causes less than 100 cases of lung cancer each year.  As is typical of this unfeeling world we live in, most of the smog has been outsourced to China.  Thanks Obama…  As a result, Gary is still just as gross at it was back in it’s hey-day, but without the inevitable benefits of having lots of industrial money poured into a city.  In a nutshell, it’s a terrible place.

So now that we’ve exhaustively gone over the anti-benefits of having Indiana around, there’s just one thing left to do.  As I said earlier, this is a difficult time for us politically, but this is exactly the kind of cause any man, woman, Republican, Democrat, or illegal alien can support.  When you go to the polls this November, be sure to vote YES for Referendum SB 68 (if it’s not on the ballot, I’m gonna give Mr. Obama a stern talking-to), an act which would officially give the deed for Indiana to Canada, with a rider that declares “no give-backs” so that there is no way Canada would be able to dump it off on us again.  If this bill passes, it would be a glimmering beacon of the democratic process working in this era of congressional stalemates and shouting pundits.  Please people, vote Indiana out of the country.  Make a difference.

Advertisements

My dream wedding to the two-headed hybrid woman Emmy Wadams will be very beautiful and very, very pale

I am neither a robot nor a hippie, and as such I hope to one day have a very nice wedding.  The ceremony will probably be at a nice chapel, we’ll all have some delicious food afterwards and then I’ll slip all my underage cousins some Long Island Iced Teas and the party will really get started.  What I do not want to have, however, is a ridiculous wedding.  The average cost of a wedding in America is $25,631, not including the honeymoon. I’m no expert, admittedly, seeing as my entire wedding planning experience boils down to having seen Bridesmaids once, but that seems like an exorbitant amount.  Unless you’re having a wedding on a private island and flying off on a hoverbike after the ceremony, I really don’t understand the logic behind paying so much for what is essentially a date with spectators.  Of course, my objections will change nothing in the grand scheme of things, seeing as the entire experience comes down to what the bride wants.

As I previously stated, I don’t have any real experience planning weddings that doesn’t involve sitting in a movie theater and laughing at Kristen Wiig’s crazy antics, but one of those old clichés about the process that we’re all bound to hear is that the bride has “wanted a beautiful wedding ever since she was a little girl.”  I see no need to indulge these fantasies to the tune of $25,000.  Just because some poor parent made the mistake of showing their little girl The Princess Diaries during their formative years does not mean that they should be guilted into throwing the most elaborate party this side of the Thames 20 years later.  When I was a little kid, I watched TaleSpin.  As such, I desperately wanted to be a bear-pilot.  Baloo was pretty much my hero, and I would do anything to have his totally awesome life.  For $25,000, you could probably come pretty close to making this happen.  You could graft some bear skin onto me, buy me a plane and give me roaring lessons; I would be one happy camper.  But there is no one lining up to make my childhood dream of flying a plane whilst being a bear come true.  This kind of indulgence only exists in the realm of weddings.

Ultimately, all of the craziness boils down to one undeniable truth: Brides are terrifying.  Have you ever tried to convince a soon-to-be bride to change something about her wedding day?  No?  Neither has anyone alive. There’s a mass grave somewhere littered with the mauled bodies of hundreds of hopeful grooms who had the audacity to suggest that printing menus in black and white would save hundreds of dollars.

The only thing you are never allowed to do to save money is cut the open bar. The bar should be a no-holds-barred, money-is-no-object boozesplosion

The “wanted it since she was a little girl” argument for elaborate weddings is essentially the Make-a-Wish Foundation, but for people who aren’t dying.  Or even unhealthy.  They’re just too terrifying to be denied.  And it doesn’t help the case that, after convincing the bride’s parents to throw this bash, everyone the couple has ever known is invited to the party, where they pile on the gifts.  As if the party wasn’t enough, now you can have 8 identical toasters to commemorate the occasion!

Now, before I conclude, I’m not saying that we shouldn’t celebrate a new couple’s commitments to each other and try to assist them in starting a new life together.  That much is all fine and well and I really hope that someday at my wedding we get at least 2 identical toasters (That way I can keep one of the toasters in the bathroom to warm up the soap before I have to lather it all over my body.  I’ve thought about it at great length and I think it would be a great sensation).  I just think that there should be a bit less pressure to turn every wedding into an approximation of a royal gala just because people are (rightly) terrified of brides.

We really need to stand together as a people against the reign of terror created by brides and just tell them, straight up, that there’s really not a need for 400 bouquets of flowers, regardless of whether or not they had that many in the end of Cinderella.  It will be a scary time for all of us, but it needs to be done, for the greater good.  That is all.

Also, if someone could remind me to take this post down before I get married, I’ll be eternally in your debt. We all know this changes nothing anyway.  Brides are way too scary.

 

You can now stop going to ehow.com, it is officially quite redundant.  They might have some really great how-to’s there, and they’ll go through and show you step-by-step how to assemble a bed or build a shelf or even the proper techniques for feeding a 4 week-old kitten.  But we live in the 21st century, we don’t have time to go to Google every time we need an answer.  We are extraordinarily busy people these days!  Even Siri seems a little flustered when I ask her too many questions in a row.  What we really need is one simple guide to do anything at all.  A universal how-to.  Luckily, being part genius and part philanthropist, I have created said perfect method and I will share it with you free of charge.  Behold: The Wyeth Bednar Method for Doing Anything and Everything! (Patent Pending)  You can see the process in detail below.

How To Do Anything!

Step 1: Believe in Yourself!

Step 2: Lather, Rinse, and Repeat

I await your Nobel Prizes.  Please use this power with great responsibility. If anyone wants to let Oprah know about this awesome self-help tool I’ve created, I could use a new car and I know she likes to hand those out so it’d be nice to let her know.  Enjoy!