I think it’s clear to everyone that this is a very hotly debated election season coming up. Even if you do your best to steer clear of the divisive assholery that has become the American political machine, surely you’ve seen a segment on the news on campaign finance, or had a commercial try to convince you that Mitt Romney eats Mexicans for breakfast or maybe a homeless man on the bus told you that you look a lot like one of them sexy Obama girls. The point is, this is indisputably a big time for American politics and a lot of sides are being taken. People are breaking into arguments left and right about healthcare, immigration, chicken sandwiches, etc. Even a simple change in lightbulb regulation quickly becomes a storm of partisan fury. However, there is one issue that I feel we can form a united front against and tackle as a nation united. This issue I’m referring to is, of course, Indiana.
If you’re not aware, Indiana is a state in the American midwest, and it aligns just so with Lake Michigan that it literally looks like its sitting in the gross stench of an armpit if you flip the map upside-down.
It looks like it shaves, too. More reasons it sucks.
Indiana has the highest level of ueslessness per capita of any region in the world. There is a small bubble of interestium (the element that creates interest, to be featured in an upcoming James Cameron film) that encompasses Peyton Manning at all times, but other than that there isn’t one cool thing in the entire state. Even its boring next-door neighbor Ohio is at least notable for having Fangboner Road, the most hilariously named piece of real-estate in the contiguous 48. Indiana just has nothing. In fact, lets break down all the nothing Indiana has going for it:
Indiana can basically be broken down into 2 distinct regions. Cornfields, and Gary. The cornfields cover about 99% of the state. Pretty much everything there is in a cornfield. If you ever drive through the cornfield region of Indiana, you will become convinced after about 4 hours that it will never end. It will seem as if you are travelling on a cosmic record player and you hit a skip and you are now destined to just live in the corn forever. But don’t just take my word for it, let’s observe some of the fine scenery that the cornfields have to offer!
The hallowed halls of Notre Dame University
Downtown in Indiana’s capital city, Indianapolis
The 50-yard line at Lucas Oil Stadium. Go Colts!
As you can see, there’s not a whole lot of diversity in the cornfield region. But before we forget, there is one other important region in Indiana: The Gary Region!
Gary, Indiana is the city that sits directly in the armpit of Indiana, and generates an appropriate amount of stank considering its location. Due to it’s proximity to the Illinois border, its the first view most Illinoisans have of Indiana after driving down from Chicago. It’s also the reason most Chicagoans hate driving to Indiana.
Gary’s City Hall during business hours
Gary was once a thriving city, full of steel mills, coal plants, and one restaurant that the steel mill and coal plant workers could go to in between shifts. Then the steel industry tanked and everyone left the city. Gary was a has-been city before Detroit made it cool. Gone are the days when you could see the smog of American Industry from across Lake Michigan; Gary now barely produces enough smog to reach its own city limits and causes less than 100 cases of lung cancer each year. As is typical of this unfeeling world we live in, most of the smog has been outsourced to China. Thanks Obama… As a result, Gary is still just as gross at it was back in it’s hey-day, but without the inevitable benefits of having lots of industrial money poured into a city. In a nutshell, it’s a terrible place.
So now that we’ve exhaustively gone over the anti-benefits of having Indiana around, there’s just one thing left to do. As I said earlier, this is a difficult time for us politically, but this is exactly the kind of cause any man, woman, Republican, Democrat, or illegal alien can support. When you go to the polls this November, be sure to vote YES for Referendum SB 68 (if it’s not on the ballot, I’m gonna give Mr. Obama a stern talking-to), an act which would officially give the deed for Indiana to Canada, with a rider that declares “no give-backs” so that there is no way Canada would be able to dump it off on us again. If this bill passes, it would be a glimmering beacon of the democratic process working in this era of congressional stalemates and shouting pundits. Please people, vote Indiana out of the country. Make a difference.
Hyperbole Incarnate 
