I’ve officially sold out ladies and gentlemen. I’ve succumbed to the multi-headed hellbeast that is list-based internet clickbait articles. But here you are, reading it, no doubt because I crammed the word sex into the title 4 times, you horny bastards. But unfortunately for us both, since you clicked on the link, I now need to write something in this article. So uh… here goes…  It wasn’t long ago I was an inexperienced young man in the ways of the lady. But now I’ve had a level of sexcapades that can only be described as “some.”

Though some estimates put that number as high as "a few"

Though some estimates put that number as high as “a few”

As a newly christened expert, I would like to share my knowledge with those who have yet to have enough sex to reach that milestone of the mid-single digits.  Below are a few simple steps I’ve learned that are sure to get the party going. The party in your pants, that is…

1. Be unpredictable

A predictable sex life is a boring sex life. Therefore I’ve got a few tricks up my sleeve to keep any partner on their toes. For instance, sometimes I’ll like to call out a different name in bed just to make sure they’re paying an appropriate amount of attention / are awake. The only thing limiting you is your own creativity. If your partner asks you to do something in bed, do the opposite. If she asks to be on bottom, turn on the television. If he demands you go harder, get out of bed and make macaroni. These are all things your partner will never see coming and ensure a fascinating sex life. This tactic can be used even with people you haven’t been intimate with yet. Say you’re with a new girlfriend and she says she’s ready to take it to the next level: let her find you in bed with a man. This will guarantee that they know what a wild card you’re sure to be in the bedroom!

2. Toys

Indulge me for a second here. As a musician, I know that many brass players need trumpet mutes for their playing. One such mute is the plunger mute. Now, a trumpet player could buy a plunger mute from any respectable instrument company and it would cost him about $35. However, what most choose to do is go home and remove the rubber part of their plunger and use that. It has the same effect and costs nothing. This is basically the approach I take with sex toys. Sure, you and your partner could buy a very decent vibrator for like… some amount of money. I honestly have no idea what the going rate of a vibrator is these days. But why do that when you could just dig through your childhood toy box and get freaky with a GI Joe? Surely that kung fu grip could be used for something erotic! The possibilities are practically endless. Dig out some of your old board games and make them naughty. Sexy Twister is easy, but Sexy Mouse Trap will really get the love juices flowing!

I maintain that Toy Story 3 is one of the sexiest movies ever made

I maintain that Toy Story 3 is one of the sexiest movies ever made

3. Try new things

It’s fairly common advice that couples should try new things together. “You need to try Ethiopian food!” some will say. “Threesomes are GREAT!” others will advise you.  In a relationship, you’re under a constant barrage of outside parties giving you ideas for exciting new things to try. However, there’s a limited amount of time in any relationship before the inevitable ugly breakup and subsequent restraining order, so there’s not a lot of time to get all these new things out of the way before you’re not legally allowed within 500 feet of her or her pets. In order to get to more exciting, relationship-invigorating new experiences, I like to kill two birds with one stone and try a new sexual experience at the same time as a new life experience.  Sure, skydiving is fun and death-defying and all, but the risk element is really amplified after you unclip your girlfriend’s parachute in order to get a better humping angle. And speaking of danger, there’s nothing quite as exciting as trying to beat the clock by trying bathroom stall sex right after trying ultra-spicy Indian food for the first time.

Now imagine the clock sound from '24' playing over this scene

Now imagine the clock sound from ’24’ playing over this scene

4. Communication

Good connections with your partner rely on them knowing what you want and so forth. Or so I’m told. I’ve never managed to elicit a verbal response during sex so I can’t completely testify to the validity of that statement. The closest I got was one time, immediately following the sexification, a girl sort of softly cleared her throat, as if to say, “Was that it?” Then I fell asleep and started snoring, as if to say, “You’re damn right that’s it babe.” However, despite my lack of communication expertise, there is one thing that I consider myself fantastic at: social media. In today’s world, much of our communication has been relegated to the internet anyway, and I see no reason why this method of connecting should be banished from the bedroom. Judging by the amount of likes people get on provocative selfies and/or barf inducing romantic proclamations, the next logical step to Facebook stardom is albums upon albums of pornographic pictures of you and your significant other. Your friends’ news feed should ideally be completely clogged by naked profile pictures, Vines, Instagrams and basically anything else you can get your virtual hands on.  Let EVERYONE in on the communication aspect; allow your friends and acquaintances to give helpful tips to your lovemaking sessions like “tell the girl to face the camera more” or “bro, you seriously need to shave.”

That advice isn't always bad

The internet gives great advice sometimes

Congratulations! You have now fully absorbed all the secrets of my success and are ready to get out there in the world and start makin’ accidental babies! Godspeed, my students, and good luck!