Award Season Fever has gripped me; I can’t sleep at night as I lay awake tossing and turning and contemplating Best Cinematography nominations, and the entire left side of my body routinely goes numb.  Though my doctor assures me that the numbness thing cannot possibly be caused by Award Season Fever, I know my body.  This is an exciting time of the year, and I wanted to get in on some of this sweet, validating action.  However, seeing as I belong to zero governing bodies in the arts, I’m gonna have to get a little creative about my own personal awards.  Without further ado, I present the winners of the 2014 Wylies!

1. Most Pretentious Thing Ever Filmed

Narrowly edging out the plastic bag scene from American Beauty, which won this category for the last 14 years straight, I give you the new iPad Air commercial, “Your Verse,” which suggests that by using an iPad, you will be making significant contributions to the advance of human civilization.  Give it a watch if you need a reason to be angry for a few minutes

2. Best Tweet of they Year

I gotta tell ya, it’s been a great year for the ol’ Twitter machine, and this was a tough category to choose a winner from, but I’ve gotta hand it to this one because, in addition to being hilarious, the construction is just flawless


Honorable Mentions:




3. Favorite Site to Hate With A Burning Passion

This category means a lot to me.  For one, a large part of my personal identity is devoted to looking down on people who post from the various sites I put in this category.  Previous winners have been Buzzfeed and Pinterest, but I’ve grown tired of hating them and my wrath needs a new outlet.  So now, I give you my winner for Favorite Site to Hate in 2014:! Upworthy may have had a time several months ago, when they would share just a few really big stories with a unique, positivist spin on them, but recently they’ve succumbed to the demon hellbeast of overly-viral marketing, and I’ve found my newsfeed littered with embedded videos about “This Kid Will Literally Change The Way You Think About Fast Food In 90 Seconds” and “This Totally Amazing Cat Knows A Mind-Blowing Truth That Needs To Be Shared.”  The site has become the bastard child of a cute Youtube video and a particularly uplifting episode of Oprah.  And for that, I hate it.


Really pandering to their target audience with this one…

4. Movie With The Best Built In Porn Title

Inside Llewyn Davis.  No contest here.


5. Funniest Youtube Video (Intentional)

While I was initially considering handing out this award to my very favorite Youtube comedy duo BriTaNick, I decided that they hadn’t really released anything that was worthy this past year.  So instead, I’m gonna have to give it to my favorite Norwegians of accidental international fame, Ylvis, for their video “Massachusetts.”  And not just because I live there now either.

6. Funniest Youtube Video (Unintentional)

The real hard part in choosing this winner was that I had to be sure that the humor was completely unintentional.  But then I saw this video and I knew I had a winner.  Kanye West’s Bound 2 is easily the worst song I’ve heard in a long time, and has a long laundry list of musical reasons why it’s awful.  But the song itself isn’t the hilarious thing about it.  It’s the fact that self-proclaimed creative genius Kanye decided that the best visual accompaniment to this train wreck of a song was to force us to watch him dry hump his wife on a stationary motorcycle in front of an iMovie greenscreen effect.  He also speaks the words “I wanna fuck you hard in the sink” and rhymes “bad reputation” with “Brad reputation” and if I haven’t convinced you how hilarious this video is yet I’m clearly never going to.

7. Best Jennifer Lawrence

Jennifer Lawrence.  For the third year running, J-Law is the winner of this category. Now please return my phone calls!