My dream wedding to the two-headed hybrid woman Emmy Wadams will be very beautiful and very, very pale

I am neither a robot nor a hippie, and as such I hope to one day have a very nice wedding.  The ceremony will probably be at a nice chapel, we’ll all have some delicious food afterwards and then I’ll slip all my underage cousins some Long Island Iced Teas and the party will really get started.  What I do not want to have, however, is a ridiculous wedding.  The average cost of a wedding in America is $25,631, not including the honeymoon. I’m no expert, admittedly, seeing as my entire wedding planning experience boils down to having seen Bridesmaids once, but that seems like an exorbitant amount.  Unless you’re having a wedding on a private island and flying off on a hoverbike after the ceremony, I really don’t understand the logic behind paying so much for what is essentially a date with spectators.  Of course, my objections will change nothing in the grand scheme of things, seeing as the entire experience comes down to what the bride wants.

As I previously stated, I don’t have any real experience planning weddings that doesn’t involve sitting in a movie theater and laughing at Kristen Wiig’s crazy antics, but one of those old clichés about the process that we’re all bound to hear is that the bride has “wanted a beautiful wedding ever since she was a little girl.”  I see no need to indulge these fantasies to the tune of $25,000.  Just because some poor parent made the mistake of showing their little girl The Princess Diaries during their formative years does not mean that they should be guilted into throwing the most elaborate party this side of the Thames 20 years later.  When I was a little kid, I watched TaleSpin.  As such, I desperately wanted to be a bear-pilot.  Baloo was pretty much my hero, and I would do anything to have his totally awesome life.  For $25,000, you could probably come pretty close to making this happen.  You could graft some bear skin onto me, buy me a plane and give me roaring lessons; I would be one happy camper.  But there is no one lining up to make my childhood dream of flying a plane whilst being a bear come true.  This kind of indulgence only exists in the realm of weddings.

Ultimately, all of the craziness boils down to one undeniable truth: Brides are terrifying.  Have you ever tried to convince a soon-to-be bride to change something about her wedding day?  No?  Neither has anyone alive. There’s a mass grave somewhere littered with the mauled bodies of hundreds of hopeful grooms who had the audacity to suggest that printing menus in black and white would save hundreds of dollars.

The only thing you are never allowed to do to save money is cut the open bar. The bar should be a no-holds-barred, money-is-no-object boozesplosion

The “wanted it since she was a little girl” argument for elaborate weddings is essentially the Make-a-Wish Foundation, but for people who aren’t dying.  Or even unhealthy.  They’re just too terrifying to be denied.  And it doesn’t help the case that, after convincing the bride’s parents to throw this bash, everyone the couple has ever known is invited to the party, where they pile on the gifts.  As if the party wasn’t enough, now you can have 8 identical toasters to commemorate the occasion!

Now, before I conclude, I’m not saying that we shouldn’t celebrate a new couple’s commitments to each other and try to assist them in starting a new life together.  That much is all fine and well and I really hope that someday at my wedding we get at least 2 identical toasters (That way I can keep one of the toasters in the bathroom to warm up the soap before I have to lather it all over my body.  I’ve thought about it at great length and I think it would be a great sensation).  I just think that there should be a bit less pressure to turn every wedding into an approximation of a royal gala just because people are (rightly) terrified of brides.

We really need to stand together as a people against the reign of terror created by brides and just tell them, straight up, that there’s really not a need for 400 bouquets of flowers, regardless of whether or not they had that many in the end of Cinderella.  It will be a scary time for all of us, but it needs to be done, for the greater good.  That is all.

Also, if someone could remind me to take this post down before I get married, I’ll be eternally in your debt. We all know this changes nothing anyway.  Brides are way too scary.