I’ve been looking for a job that really fits my unique skill sets for quite some time now.  It finally occurred to me what the best way to utilize myself would be, and I immediately posted this ad to Craigslist.

 

Do you run a coffee shop that sells gluten-free crepes and are hoping to appeal to a more family-friendly crowd? Or perhaps you own a vintage bike store and are looking for someone to help sell 1980’s Schwinns to high schoolers. Even if you are just a simple manager of an art house movie theater trying to convince the folks down at City Hall that you’re not blowing your arts grant on bongs, I am the guy for you! I am a 20 year old white male from a middle-class Chicago suburb, and I can make your business look hip and trendy while still being so wholly non-threatening that mothers will have no problem bringing their daughters in to shop for artisanal pastries on warm Saturday afternoons. Please allow me to explain why my services are so vital to your success as a business.

It may come as no surprise to you that I attended a large church full of other non-threatening white guys back in my hometown. One of the things that always struck me about the church was that in the band, they would always have a guitarist who looked like he was on the verge of headlining the next Pitchfork festival. He would wear tight jeans and a scarf, or perhaps an undersized beanie in July. For all me and the other non-threatening white guys at my church knew, this man was the face of rock and roll! Of course, he wasn’t. He was actually just a community college student with a rewards card at American Apparel, but we didn’t know any better, and this man was the closest we would ever come to meeting a real live member of the urban elite. This one guitar player was able to give me, along with every other non-threatening white guy at the church, a real sense of edginess and, dare I say, danger, while all the maintaining our carefully cultivated comfort zones. It was essentially the religious equivalent of a roller coaster. But I digress…

In today’s fast-moving urban business market, it is imperative for any aspiring Boston establishment to give off a vibe that it’s a divey neighborhood gem, but one that people from that neighborhood would never actually go to. To create this vibe, you need someone that so boldly walks the line line between “Bohemian rebel” and “corporate stooge” that it is unclear if they are on the new cutting edge of hipsterdom or if they simply lost track of which type of jeans are popular these days. I can be that person for you! I am that rare white guy that is exactly hip enough to wear cardigans, but not hip enough to actually look cool while doing it. My hair is neatly parted in such a way that its questionable if its an acute fashion choice or simply a lazy conformity to the same hairstyle my mom fashioned for me at family functions during my formative adolescence. My jeans are at the ideal tightness where its impossible to tell if you can see through to the bulge or if perhaps it’s just an idiosyncrasy of the fly.

Gone will be the days of suit-wearing yuppies shunning your establishment because they frowned on the bearded man with the ear gages you hired to hock nostalgic t-shirts with Boy Meets World quotes on them! When the passing professionals see me standing behind the counter of your store, they’ll know that there’s simply no feasible way that anyone remotely intimidating could ever have set foot inside the building.

Gone will be the days of floral-print-clad college girls shuffling past your doors without a second glance to the stuffy 30-something man named Rajmit you hired to brew the coffee! When the hordes of relocated suburban college kids see me taking their orders, they’ll know that they’ve finally found a place where they know they will be able to sit on their laptop without fearing that a homeless man will come crashing through the door and spill watered-down malt liquor all over their keyboard.

In short, it is impossible to fathom that you will be able to sell enough locally-sourced throw pillows from your upstart local business to make a profit unless you have me there, affecting my most neutral and unassuming smile as patrons ask me to confirm that the cotton used in the stuffing was, in fact, cage free. I hope you consider my proposal, and I look forward to hearing from potential employers soon!  To conclude, I have attached some photos of me being non-threatening, partially so you can see for yourself, and partially because I thought this page could use a little color.

 

Soup

Me making soup in a non-threatening fashion

Wall

Me looking at my wall in a non-threatening manner

Christmas

Me opening Christmas presents in a slighly weird, but still ultimately non-threatening manner

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